My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
