Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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