Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
