go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
