So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Randomize
