a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
