I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
