guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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