I can text with my tongue
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
