my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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