we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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