im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
