Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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