Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
