smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
