I will die if light touches me.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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