someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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