I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
