i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You have to summon your inner elephant
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
