Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
