I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
