hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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