so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
