The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
