I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
