i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
