I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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