one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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