Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
