God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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