I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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