im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
True strength comes from lack of pants
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
