and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
