All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
