im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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