just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
4 words: hood of his car
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
