She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
