I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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