and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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