He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I love you.
Bad choice
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
