i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
