Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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