i would punch a child for taco bell
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
