I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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