she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
