I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
