Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
