i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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