I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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