Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
