I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
