I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
