wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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