I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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