We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You were trust falling into bushes
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
