I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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