Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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