From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize